Why Bringing Your “Whole Self” To Work is A Bad Idea

I started out my career at one the fastest and most intense work environments in tech. It was an environment where things moved a million miles a minute, and my experience was that most people didn’t really have time to really get to know you. At least, not really. And so, a few years later, with an interlude somewhere else, I ended coming to my current company, a sprightly tech company. My current company is only a few years old and the leaders like to declare passionately, “Bring your whole self to work”.

In fact, a big factor in why I took a position at this company was a desire to hang out and mix it up with young, energetic people. I interviewed at the company and as I walked through the office, I could see that the many people were hanging out, chatting with one another. Ah, the days pre- COVID-19.

I asked a lot of my interviewers at the company what they liked most about working at the company, and most of them replied that more than anything, they liked the people. They talked about developing friendships and hanging out with co-workers because they wanted to, not because they had to. I was attracted to this idea that I would want to spend time with my co-workers, enjoying the company of all the young, energetic people around me. Let me be clear, I wasn’t expecting to bring my whole self to work. But I was looking forward to bringing at least some element of honesty, vulnerability, and humor to my job. At previous jobs, with the exception of a joke here and there, I would be very proper and careful. You weren’t supposed to bring your whole self. You were supposed to bring your professional self.

So, here’s what I have learned.

One, it is genuinely possible to have cool co-workers that you like and want to spend time with. I think it helps that the average age of people tends to skew younger, and that the company culture encourages camaraderie. I have met people that I really like and will continue spending time with even when I leave the company one day.

Second, I really do feel more comfortable and more relaxed with how I present myself at the company.

But I also learned this. Bringing your whole self to work is a silly concept. What ends up happening is some people, typically with “strong” personalities, decide that, why thank you, they will bring their whole selves to work. This then establishes certain dominant voices and opinions. Pretty soon, it appears that we should all be liking their political posts. As far as they are concerned, we all probably share similar political opinions. As a result, people like me will sit quietly on the sidelines for two reasons. One, we don’t want conflict. Engaging in nuanced political debate while important, is difficult to do in real life, let alone the workplace. Two, we don’t want to go against status quo or what feels like the majority. Thereby, you are already creating an environment where some people feel comfortable and some people don’t.

Second, bringing your whole self to work is the kind of concept that only teenagers should be passionate about. An able-minded adult is keenly aware that context and the situation directly impact how you behave. I am not the same person with my extended family as I am with my parents as I am with my friends. It doesn’t mean that I am two-faced or manipulative, it just means that I adjust how I present myself and what I bring up based on the audience.

For example, let’s say a friend was telling me about this really hot guy she saw at her friend’s wedding. Do you think she’d share the exact same story with her grandparents? I really hope not.. You adjust what you say and how you say it based on your audience. And that’s a good thing.

I was recently part of a very candid conversation in a group where someone commented that all the political discussions and posts in team meetings and group slack channels felt like they marginalized people. They articulated that the conversations didn’t feel like a comfortable environment where they could voice their thoughts. Then, one person commented that they are “inherently” a political person and in order to bring their whole self to work, they need to be able to talk about politics. She didn’t feel the need to recognize the clear slant and bias to internal political philosophizing. People just need to understand that that’s who she is and accept that.

Really? You are absolutely incapable of feeling valued and accepted as a co-worker, without spouting off your political thoughts? Your definition of your “whole self” at work has to be the whole package and nothing else? What if you knew one of your friends was keenly worried about a political issue, and had the dead opposite opinions to you? Wouldn’t you try to be sensitive to that?

Or what about when you play music really loudly at 2 a.m. in your apartment? Maybe your “whole self” is making it hard for other people to sleep. Come on. Please have some basic compassion for how other people feel. If you want to organize political rallies in your personal life, please knock yourself out. But at work, in a professional environment, I just need you to look at the document I shared with, not comment on how we are going to save the world.

In conclusion, I think it’s really awesome to have your work environment be a comfortable place. I think you have hit the jackpot if you work at a place where you can be playful and work with collaborative, kind people. And if you make real friendships, then outside of work, feel free to say what you want. But at work, it’s still a job. Because no matter how much they love you or treat you well, if revenue tanks and things get complicated, the company will let you go. But hopefully in real life, with your friends and family, your “whole self”, adjusted to each person thoughtfully and considerately, will always be accepted.